Insecure Overachievers, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, Simone Biles & Self-Esteem

In this episode, we dive deep into the concept of the Insecure Overachiever—a driven, high-performing individual whose success is rooted in insecurity and self-doubt. We'll explore how this psychological pattern manifests in both popular culture and professional environments, from the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders to high-profile law firms, to Simone Biles and the healthcare industry. We'll also discuss the importance of self-esteem, the dangers of relying on external validation, and practical steps to develop a healthy, balanced approach to achievement. Whether you're striving for success or seeking to understand your relationship with it, this episode offers valuable insights and actionable advice to help you achieve from a place of psychological strength.

Audio-Essay by Dr. Alex Curmi. Dr. Curmi is a consultant general adult psychiatrist with a sub-speciality in addictions who completed his training in the South London and Maudsley NHS foundation trust. In addition to general adult psychiatry he has a special interest in psychotherapy and mindfulness meditation.

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Transcript

Welcome back to the podcast. Today I wanted to take some time to talk about the concept of the insecure overachiever, what this means, and to illustrate it using examples from popular culture. I wanted to talk about this concept of the insecure overachiever, because there's a lot of focus in self-development on how to achieve success, but not a lot of focus on what your relationship to success should be, or from what place psychologically, a person should strive to succeed. I wanted to explore related concepts such as self esteem and the importance of self esteem, both for someone's psychological health, but also to perform at a higher level. I think the insecure overachiever is an increasingly common pattern that I've seen with people both in the media and just through living life. And in many ways, it's such a tragic pattern. And if not taken seriously, this kind of predicament can lead very capable people to lead deeply unhappy, unfulfilling lives. So what is an insecure overachiever? An insecure overachiever is a person who is highly driven to achieve success, often going above and beyond typical expectations, but whose motivation is deeply rooted in insecurity and self-doubt. It's the kind of person we all know that is clearly highly intelligent, highly competent, hardworking, but who needs to perform well in order just to feel good about themselves and have a basic sense of self-worth? In school, this might be the person who always excelled at exams, but as always, terrified they were going to fail the next exam or at work. The person who's always striving, working hard and staying late, but who never seems to get any actual enjoyment from work. Maybe they live quite unbalanced lives. They're often so afraid of failure that they're not able to meaningfully enjoy success, or even the pursuit of success, which can be quite enjoyable if you have to look at this through the lens of the big five personality traits. What you would find is an insecure overachiever would typically be high in conscientiousness, imparting a strong drive to work hard and have things in a certain order behind agreeableness, making the person highly reluctant to engage in conflict and imparting a strong tendency to serve others fit in. See things from the other person's point of view, not their own point of view and behind emotional sensitivity, making the person quite sensitive to rejection and criticism. If you've never heard of the Big five personality traits, I would highly suggest you look them up. It's the most evidence based personality model we have, and we've done a whole podcast about it, so definitely check that out if you're not familiar with it. Insecure overachievers tend to have what's called an external locus of evaluation. Individuals with an external locus of evaluation seek approval and recognition from others, such as peers, families, teachers, supervisors. Their feelings of success or failure are heavily influenced by the external circumstances and judgements. They have difficulty trusting their own judgment, their own capability. They often look to others for guidance on what's right or wrong, what's valuable or what's important or unimportant. They may experience high levels of anxiety. The fear of disapproval or negative feedback can lead to stress and avoidance of certain challenges or risk taking. There may be a tendency to conform to others expectations or the norms of society to gain acceptance or approval, and crucially, they may suppress their true desires or opinions to align with what they perceive as acceptable to others. Looking at this psychological dynamic helps us to understand why some people are so vulnerable to being taken into relationships, situations, organizations that take advantage of them or at the extreme can be exploitative or frankly, abusive. For an illustration of this dynamic, we need look no further than the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Netflix just released a new documentary series titled America's Sweethearts Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, which documents one season and the lives of the cheerleading squad of the Dallas Cowboys NFL team. There's a lot of interesting things to observe in the documentary, but one of the things you can see is the insecure, overachiever archetype in action, where essentially what you have is a group of elite dancers from all across the US, many of whom have been conditioned to base their feelings of self-worth on success in dancing. The individuals like this, an organization like DCC, represents the ideal to strive for. Because of its fame, its reputation, its prestige. Striving for things like this is natural, of course, and that's not the issue exactly. The issue is rather that what you can see in the documentary is a group of women who give away their sense of value and identity to the organization so much that the sense of self can be rocked at its core, with any criticism from any of the coaches. The documentary shows us the strange relationship many of these women have with the organization and that despite experiencing a tremendous amount of stress and criticism to be part of the team, many of them refer to it as the best time of their lives. The criticism they receive is not just about their dancing technique, but their looks, their weight, their hair color, and even the nuances of how they do their makeup. When looking at the relationship between the cheerleaders and the coaches. What stands out is just how much the cheerleaders crave their approval, and how the coaches approval appears to be meted out strategically to keep them in a state of emotional lack. It's also interesting to note how the DC cheerleaders are placed in the middle of what's called the Madonna whore dynamic, in that they are supposed to represent the ideals of womanhood and femininity in American society. The nickname is literally America's Sweethearts, while at the same time you get the strong impression with their costumes, dance routines, and the overall intense focus on their appearance, that they are also supposed to be sexually appealing at all times, despite all the pressure and time commitment. It's well understood that the DCC, as well as NFL cheerleading teams in general, are notoriously underpaid. Their salary has been frequently reported to be comparable to a full time fast food worker, and DC cheerleaders often have to work other jobs alongside their cheerleading roles. As you can see in the documentary, despite the fact that the Dallas Cowboys is regarded by the likes of Forbes to be the most valuable sports franchise in the world, most recently being valued at some $5 billion. Charlotte Jones, the marketing lead for the Dallas Cowboys organization and the daughter of Billionaire Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, actually said in the documentary. But the facts are they don't come here for the money. They come here for something that's bigger than that to them. Talking to the media anonymously. One ex Dallas Cowboys cheerleader reported that all cheerleaders were given a set of rules and ideals to aspire to. At one point in this document, there is an elaboration on what it means to be a D.C. cheerleader. It says I am a little thing with a big meaning. I help everybody, I unlock doors, open hearts, do away with prejudices. I am pleasing to everyone. I am useful every moment of the day. If that wasn't enough, veteran D.C. cheerleaders frequently sustained several medical complications from the years of grueling performance, and the team doesn't even appear to provide medical insurance covering the treatment they require. The same cheerleader also reported to the media, quote, I tried to get into therapy my second year on the team because my mental health was at a really bad low, but I stopped going because I couldn't afford it. I wouldn't want to over pathologize it, working hard to be part of a team, performing at a higher level to bond with others through that hardship. They're all good things, but it's hard to look at an organization like the DCC and feel they haven't, in fact, mastered the art of recruiting and exploiting the overachiever archetype. But this problem isn't just restricted to cheerleaders, because, after all, from a business point of view, having employees who are both highly capable and eager for the approval of their employers can be a very profitable thing. But the question is, would the company really purposefully seek out people with this kind of psychological profile just because it would be good for business? It's actually been well described that many companies, such as high profile law firms, investment banks and consulting companies specifically target candidates to recruit from elite universities and look for people with exceptional academic records and diverse extracurricular achievements. They often use high salaries and prestige to attract such individuals, and they create a company culture of intense competition and frequent critical feedback, with comparatively much less positive feedback. In addition, such companies have an up or out policy where they get a large influx of new candidates each year and who are subjected to intense pressure to meet certain performance milestones. Those who meet the milestones are promoted, while those who do not are often asked to leave the company to make room for a new set of recruits next year. If you want to learn more about this kind of thing, you can read books like The Firm The Story of McKinsey and Its Secret Influence on American Business. This is a book by Duff McDonald that provides an in-depth look at McKinsey, one of the world's most influential consulting firms, in which he writes specifically about how McKinsey creates a culture that attracts and molds insecure overachievers. Health care is another industry where you can see the insecure, overachiever archetype in action. In this case, especially in an NHS context, often the individuals in question are not chasing more forms of conventional success, like money or prestige or a certain lifestyle, but rather they are chasing the sense that they are doing good for others and good for society. And again, in moderation. This is, of course, a good impulse. But what you find in healthcare is that doctors, nurses and other health care workers can take this to an extreme working late, taking extra on core shifts, having totally unbalanced lives, and letting it affect their self-worth. When patients do poorly, which of course is inevitable if you work in a health care job. In psychotherapy, this can happen as well. When therapists take too much responsibility, receiving it as a sign of personal failure when things go wrong for their clients. Generally speaking, a good therapy training program would instruct therapists to have clear boundaries between their problems and their clients problems, and encourage therapists to focus on creating an environment where clients can take more responsibility for their own lives, rather than simply taking responsibility for their clients problems themselves. So how do you know if you're caught in the insecure overachiever archetype? Here are a few potential indicators. There is a consistent gap between what you want and what you get. You may, in fact, have a hard time even identifying what you want. It's common for you to suppress or put aside what you need or as you want. It is common for you to be in relationships, friendships, or work partnerships where you feel taken advantage of. You tend to go after things which are valued by consensus, like prestige and financial reward, rather than things you truly value in your heart of hearts. Small, everyday difficulties can produce new feelings of intense low moods, hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety, criticism, and negative feedback about your work affect you at a deep level. You have a tough time dealing with failure, but similarly you have a hard time enjoying success. You've strived for success for a long time, only to get to a state of burnout. And lastly, you have a hard time feeling good about yourself if you're not achieving something. So what should you do with this information? You can use the points I just mentioned to reflect for yourself if you feel you fit the insecure overachiever archetype, and each of the points I'm about to make could be a podcast unto themselves. But if you think you do fit that archetype, here are a few suggestions. Learn to develop a strong sense of self, particularly outside of achievement, by cultivating your interests. Hobbies, passions. Learn emotional regulation techniques so when different life problems trigger intense feelings of shame and low self-worth, you can bring yourself back to your emotional baseline from which you can see things clearly and make better decisions. There are many emotional regulation techniques, but a good one in this context might be a simple self-compassion meditation. Start to learn what you value. Experiment with different forms of work and activities outside of work. Looking for a sense of fascination, wonder or engagement. See what kind of things trigger that feeling in you, because that could be the basis of a fulfilling career or occupation when you're working hard and trying to get results. See if you can develop an internal locus of evaluation, rather than relying solely on an external locus of evaluation. On a similar note, try and do things for their intrinsic rewards rather than just the extrinsic rewards. Doing things for intrinsic rewards generally means if you try your best at something, you can never really fail. Because if you don't get the external results you want, you've probably still got a lot out of your efforts. For example, if you create a startup and run it for a couple of years, even if it doesn't end up becoming a profitable enterprise, if you've done your best, you've probably still learned a lot about running a business, managing people, designing a product or service, marketing, etc. and those intrinsic benefits will no doubt serve you well in your next endeavor. If you can have your eyes open to those benefits. If you're a very agreeable person. Learn to become a bit more disagreeable. Learn to develop a sense of assertiveness so that your worldview and values can actually be translated into new behaviors and new ways of communicating with others. This agreeableness will be your best defense against being taken advantage of. A lot of what we're talking around in discussing these potential solutions is, of course, the concept of self esteem within psychology. Self esteem is a controversial point, with people offering different definitions and some people debating the value of the concept at all. I do think self esteem can be a valuable concept, and I'd like to offer a simple definition that can help to guide decisions you make. I believe, at its simplest, a healthy, well-rounded self-esteem is composed of two somewhat contradictory notions. Firstly, the notion that you can in fact challenge yourself, put yourself in difficult situations, set tasks and goals for yourself, and in so doing develop competence and an ability to perform in one or more areas. You can become a good student, or a good dancer or a good accountant. Having that competence means you can consistently perform and achieve results. You can earn a living or respect or some form of status. If you're really good at what you do, you might even get awards or recognition for being outstanding in your field. There's a range of possibilities here, anywhere from being a functional member of your community to becoming a billionaire. The second notion on which I think self-esteem can be built is the basic sense that you have value, that you belong, that you are okay wherever you happen to be, that other people want you around, that you have kindness and compassion for yourself, that you can accept yourself. The problem with being an insecure overachiever is that they are generally very good at setting and reaching goals, putting themselves on difficult situations, developing skills, getting things done, achieving performing. But they are not very good at feeling okay and valuable just for who they are wherever they happen to be. This means that through time and conditioning, performance and achievement itself becomes the main way this kind of person can achieve psychological homeostasis and feel a basic sense of value. This pushes the individual into a kind of ongoing treadmill of striving and performance, where ongoing achievement is the mandatory requirement to feeling okay. Keeping these two notions of self esteem in mind and trying to dance between them is a good way of helping one continue to build skills and competence, while at the same time remaining balanced and psychologically healthy. When I've seen self-esteem discussed in different contexts, it appears to me that many people feel self esteem should be purely based on accomplishment and competence, and that self-acceptance is seen as a kind of frivolous indulgence. Based on my experience, I would say the existence of the insecure overachiever is proof of the necessity of self acceptance, and that these individuals are generally highly skilled and competent, but often have really low self-worth with a lot of concomitant psychological suffering. The irony of this whole process is that often some of the most accomplished people in our society are often some of the most self-critical and self-hating. I also think these two building blocks of self-esteem I mentioned are reflective of the two kinds of love that all children need maternal love, which tends to be unconditional and based on just who you are, and paternal love, which is often based on encouragement to go out into the world, to take risks, to make things happen. Another issue people raise is that perhaps self-criticism and a feeling of lack is crucial to being a high performer. Can you even accomplish things at a higher level if you don't have that whole inside of you that's driving you? So one question might be if you have a solid sense of self acceptance, would you even be motivated to work hard and perform at a higher level? Someone like Simone Biles really exemplifies what can happen when you have a solid, well-rounded sense of self-esteem. The 27 year old dropped out of the Tokyo Olympics in 2020, citing mental health reasons after winning only one bronze medal. Facing a lot of media scrutiny as a result. Returning in 2024, she has won four Olympic medals, three gold and one silver. She's been open about how she experiences significant performance anxiety at the Olympics and other high level events, and has publicly stated that she continues to attend therapy sessions regularly, even while at the Games in Paris. There's an idea that every public victory comes as a result of many private victories. For Simone Biles, the public victory just happened, but the private victory was in 2020 because at that time, Biles was able to make the decision no one wanted her to make because she knew that was the best decision for her overall, and she was able to come back extremely successfully. And that is the essence of self-esteem. And it illustrates that self-acceptance does not have to run counter to success. So what are some caveats to today's discussion? As with everything, there is a spectrum of severity. Some of you might identify with a few of these themes in your life. For others, they may be markedly more prominent. Some people may not identify with this archetype at all. This essay is not a criticism of being a high performer. It's more about performing well from a position of psychological strength. Another way of putting it is performing from a position of enlightened self-interest. This is not advice not to be ambitious, to work for high profile companies or work in intensely competitive environments. Rather, it's advice that should you choose to do so, you should arm yourself with a strong sense of self and self-worth to know precisely why you want to work in such an environment, and to do so joyfully, and to have a clear idea of what you want to get out of the experience. External feedback and extrinsic rewards are also an important and inescapable part of life. External feedback can help you get better and develop your skill set, and extrinsic rewards like money and status, are part of the practicalities of life and in their own way can be very rewarding. But alongside these, you also want to be developing your own internal sense of evaluation and reward, like your own mental compass or North Star as a unique individual, a unique set of things will matter to you and you should be continually developing a sense of what matters to you across life. So to conclude here, if you take home messages when trying to understand someone's psychology, it's often not the specific outcome or behavior that's important to understand. It's that person's relationship to the outcome or behavior. For example, one person can drink a beer as a celebration after a week of hard work, while another person can drink that same beer at 9 a.m. because they are physiologically dependent on it. Similarly, some people work hard and achieve because they enjoy it, or because it's fulfilling, or simply because it gets them the things they want in life, while others work hard, sometimes exceptionally hard because it feels a deep hole where self-acceptance should be. It's not just about whether you work hard or not. The question is what is your relationship to hard work and achievement and things along those lines? It's worth reflecting on. Under which conditions do you allow yourself to feel good about yourself? It's more of a choice than you might think. When organisations and institutions are willing to explicitly seek out and take advantage of individuals like this. It's a reflection of their own dark underlying philosophy. Think carefully about the relationship you have to any team or system or organization that you form part of, and consider what your relationship to that system might be. Being an insecure overachiever is like having a really powerful engine, the engine of intelligence and skills, and the ability to work hard but without a rudder, without your own sense of direction or orientation. This makes insecure overachievers vulnerable to the direction and influence of others, sometimes in ways which are overtly exploitative. To recover from this way of being is to rediscover your own sense of what is important and where you should direct your energies, and that's where your intelligence and your industriousness can serve you, rather than the other way around. So I hope you found this helpful. If you think you might be an insecure overachiever, maybe take some time to consider the points we discussed today. If you're not, maybe share it with someone who you think might be. If you have any feedback, you can email us at Thinking Minds podcast at gmail.com. This is the Thinking Mind Podcast, a podcast all about psychology, psychiatry, psychotherapy and self-development. Give us a rating on Apple, Spotify, YouTube or wherever you listen, follow or subscribe on any of those platforms as that's the main thing that helps us to grow. And if you'd like to work with someone one on one on these kinds of issues or maybe some other psychological issue, I'm now offering private psychotherapy sessions, both online or in person in the South London area. And if you want to find out more about that, you can email me at alexcurmitherapy@gmail.com. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.